Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
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I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
A GPS. But for where your story is going.