“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
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‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
<- sleeps well with others
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”