WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
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My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
A double negative is a big no-no.