When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
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*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier