If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
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I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I WON A HAM TODAY
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.