The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
You Might Also Like
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Can. I. Help. You.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared