I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
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Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Somebody call the cops.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
I’m tired tomorrow.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about