You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
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Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”