I want to meet the individual who made this
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I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.