Thursday Thought.
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When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.