my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
You Might Also Like
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”