Life’s too short to have your shit together.
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Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?