Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
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Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
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Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.