If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
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I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Seems kinda suspicious
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true