My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
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Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Cats are still liquid.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.