Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
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I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.