My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
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When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?