Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
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Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.