Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
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Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.