The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
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1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.