me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
You Might Also Like
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Warm pools make me nervous.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.