In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
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Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Bro what is this
what are they serving at kfc then???
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant