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[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
My birthstone is kidney
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….