Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
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In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
looks legit
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.