Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
You Might Also Like
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible