“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
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spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Matt Goss
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Cake!!
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.