I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
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Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……