Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
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Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
philosophical skeletons be like
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo