You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
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Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.