My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
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Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Me recordaron éste meme
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.