Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
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Fights fire with marshmallows
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Ugh but profoundly
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Me sliding into hell like
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.