Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
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Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.