Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
You Might Also Like
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made