My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
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[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
welcome back
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.