COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
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My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Best mom ever 😂
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.