I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
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My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
worst…sale…ever
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.