Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
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I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.