Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
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just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?