[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
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Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I鈥檓 happy for her I鈥檓 mostly just relieved that my kids didn鈥檛 ruin her desire to be a parent
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
INSURANCE REP: I鈥檓 afraid you鈥檙e going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I鈥檓 sure somebody somewhere did.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
u spoke cat all this time??????
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
HER: Take a shower with me. 馃槉
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 馃槉[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
When your best mate counts as a desk too