one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
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Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
There’s always that one guy
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
reviewed some movies recently
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”