My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
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A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.