Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
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Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
My wife gives the best headache.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?