Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
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I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity