A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
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“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
In Canada they just call them geese
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”