The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
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Not today, today.
Not today.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*