The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
You Might Also Like
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
I like long walks away from everyone
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.