When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
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No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Herpes is trending, good job people
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
dogs can find happiness so easily
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
“Sheer Arrogance”
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Girl, same.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave