Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.