consequences, the bane of my existence
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Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Every time.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
eating my hot dog hamburger style
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*