Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
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Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
what day is it?
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
☠️☠️☠️
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”